In this Topic, you will learn a framework for expanding your understanding of how to work with the conversation types. In the framework, we break down each of the three conversation types into four parts. The four parts included in each conversation type are as follows:
- Goals. Think of goals as the purpose of the conversation. What the conversation will accomplish if handled skillfully.
- What to listen for. What you want to listen for are elements that help you know whether the conversation has met your goals. By listening for these elements and bringing them to the foreground in your conversations, you increase the likelihood that your goals will be met, that pitfalls will be minimized, and that breakdowns will be avoided.
- Pitfalls. Pitfalls are the emotions, motivations, or issues that get in the way of a successful conversation; often, pitfalls enter the field when you have missed one of the items on the Clarity Checklist.
- Breakdowns. Breakdowns are common conversational patterns or habits that can stymie successful conversations. Breakdowns and pitfalls are closely related and negatively reinforce each other.
Let’s look at the goals, what to listen for, the pitfalls, and the breakdowns for each type of conversation, as well as real-life examples that will clarify how to recognize each of the four parts in action.
Conversation for Relationship:
| Goals | What to listen for | Pitfalls | Breakdowns |
| Strong working relationship Mutual respect Trust Seen as having integrity |
Mutual interest Shared purpose Shared stakeholders Sincere connection |
Self-interest Reactivity Fear Negative judgments |
Skipping it, rushing it Dominating it with own stories Prolonging it (never-ending relationship conversation) Encouraging others to dominate by asking so many questions, one party isn’t entering conversation Listening through the negative lens of self-interest or story, categorizing the person or assuming all is known (aka The Critic) |
Example 1: the project leader calls a meeting to discuss project implementation, roles, and responsibilities. The conversation stalls out or keeps looping through the same content over and over again. What are the possible causes? Possible breakdowns are that Conversations for Relationship and for Possibility were bypassed (for at least some of the attendees); where that is the case, the goals of establishing shared interests, purpose, or stakeholders have not yet been met for all participants with sufficient clarity; perhaps people don’t feel they’ve been heard or that a process that has integrity is being followed. Progress could be waylaid by the pitfalls that often arise under these circumstances, including negativity, self-interest, fear, hidden assumptions, and so on.
Example 2: someone you have identified as a key contributor to your project attends a meeting you have called. You thought she would be delighted you took the initiative and got the ball rolling, but instead, she is late to the meeting and when she does arrive, she digs her heels in and no progress is made. What are the possible causes? Your contributor believes she has complete ownership over the issue and its resolution and is annoyed that you have called a meeting about something in her domain. Conversation for Relationship with this individual was bypassed so that she does not understand your shared interests, your interest in the topic, or your reason for inviting her to collaborate with you. Because this step was skipped, your key contributor is mired in the pitfalls of self-interest and negative reactivity. She won’t be a good collaborator for you until you address the missing building blocks (i.e., the items in the “what to listen for” column above).
Conversation for Possibility:
| Goals | What to listen for | Pitfalls | Breakdowns |
| Brainstorm Options New possibilities Inclusiveness Diversity of thought |
What is needed What are the pain points What are the burning platform issues What are the opportunities and potential |
Hidden assumptions Improper framing of issue Topic isn’t of mutual interest Not listening or not remaining open Pointing out flaws too early (“yes, but”) Inability to tolerate uncertainty Not safe to express |
Skipping it, rushing it (no time, under stress) Prolonging it (never-ending brainstorm) Selecting a topic that is not of mutual interest Pointing out flaws too early (“yes, but,” aka The Critic) Defending one’s own ideas Not really being open to exploring Not listening, listening without willingness to be influenced The Cheerleader, not truth-telling |
Example 3: you move your meeting into a discussion around execution; a handful of people in the room start to disengage by either excusing themselves early, having side conversations, or checking their email. What’s going wrong here? It is possible that the following breakdowns and pitfalls occurred: Conversation for Possibility was skipped or rushed or perhaps you weren’t really open to hearing others’ ideas or needs. Perhaps conversation moved from strategic altitude to execution too rapidly before appropriate options were on the table or before people felt heard (what to listen for). People dropped out of the conversation along the way, and the group misses out on these individuals’ innovation, creativity, and cooperation (unmet goals).
Example 4: you are in an offsite with your peers for the purpose of coming up with a new way of collaborating. The first part of the morning was awesome and you were feeling energized about the possibilities. The problem is, this conversation no longer seems to be going anywhere and you’ve now been at it for four hours. What’s the point and will someone please make a decision already?! The breakdown here could be that the Conversation for Possibility is going on too long, or the meeting leader has not clarified the process the group will use to move to decision and action. This leads to the pitfalls that participants stop listening or remaining open. For some, an inability to tolerate uncertainty leaves them with less tolerance for staying in a Conversation for Possibility.
Conversation for Action:
| Goals | What to listen for | Pitfalls | Breakdowns |
| Coordinate action Kick off an initiative Accomplish goals |
What is being committed? What is being requested? What additional clarity or precision is needed? What role assignment and accountability are missing? What structure and resources would support the action? |
Lack of commitment Lack of clarity, precision Undefined roles, lack of accountability Not making requests (afraid of hearing “no”, afraid of imposing) |
Making unclear requests or offers Not making requests: afraid of hearing “no”, afraid of imposing, feeling incompetent Carrying un-communicated expectations Promising when you are unclear of the request Responding the same way to all requests and offers Breaking promises without mending relationship Critical party absent |
Example 5: your meeting runs right to the hour; it ends and people leave but there wasn’t time to sum up the decisions made, assign action owners, or talk about follow-up (what to listen for). What’s going wrong here? The conversational breakdowns present could be that the meeting leader didn’t allow for time to wrap things up or that the meeting leader was uncomfortable making a clear request of the executive in the room, which leads to the pitfalls of unclarified expectations, commitment, and accountability. Nothing will be accomplished; no one will remember what was decided; and the meeting will need to be repeated in 90 days (unmet goals).
Here is a printable version of this framework.